Goals and resolutions

Yesterday I wrote that seeing other people's Thanksgiving posts set me against doing it myself; seeing resolutions had a different effect. While I have never been big about setting official resolutions for the new year, those posts reaffirmed me being that way. I realized that I have had a lot of growth over the year, I have a lot of good things in my life, and I will just keep doing what I am doing. I did post that, and it felt good, but I was wrong. I realizes that something was missing, and while it was set into motion before New Year's Eve, I didn't know what to do with it until later.

December 27th I went to karaoke. A friend from school organized it, and another school friend came, as well as several nice people I had not previously met. I caught a ride home with Chantelle, the friend who was not the organizer.

We were talking about her children and school and picking courses, and I ended up reviewing my own academic shortcomings again. It was sort of logical, because a lot of my friends have gifted children. Worrying about them getting bored or lazy is a valid concern, and I know a lot about this one. However, then I ventured into talking about my math/science issues again, which I feel like I have done too much. So I am just going to blog about it now, because maybe that will get it out of my system, and also, it is germane to this post.

In sixth grade I took Intro to Algebra. We didn't call it that, but that's the class that was its equivalent at the junior high where I was going to go the next year. I was going to a different junior high than most of my class due to boundary changes. When I took the form to my math teacher, she did not see Algebra, so she said she guessed I would have to do Intro to Algebra since that was the highest offering for 7th graders. That didn't sound quite right, but I was not especially assertive.

(Actually, Chantelle, though she went to a different elementary school, had the same issue, but her teacher pursued it further and she ended up in Algebra. Also being in Orchestra threw off her schedule for other regular 7th year classes, so she ended up skipping a grade. )

I retook Intro to Algebra, and did very well. I did have bad study habits, and did not do homework in Algebra the next year. Although I passed the class with a C, my teacher still had me retake it, because she hated people not doing their homework. She did not count the homework in the grade, which was a big factor in my not doing it, but she thought people should do it anyway, and she was the type to hold grudges. I took Algebra a second time, and did very well. That year I did do homework, and I was better off with a different teacher, because seriously, the other one hated me. Anyway, that was two math years wasted.

Geometry was fine, I managed Algebra/Trig okay, but was starting to feel that it was hard, and then in Pre-Calculus it felt like I was just barely squeaking by. Later on I learned that with advanced mathematics the point is persistence; you have to keep trying and making mistakes before comprehension comes in. That would have been good to know.

The only other math class my high school offered beyond that was Calculus, and if I remember correctly, you had to bus to another school to do it. So, not having wasted two years wouldn't have gotten me too much farther along, except that I thought Statistics sounded interesting in college, but since it sounded very hard, and I had been struggling, and I did not need to take any math, I let it go. It shouldn't be important, except that it messed up my science. It did not have to be that way.

In junior high, it was Biology in 7th Grade, Earth Science in 8th Grade, and you could choose in 9th grade but I went with Field and Marine Biology. I ended up in Chemistry in 10th grade, and so it seemed reasonable to me to take AP Biology in 11th, and then take Physics my senior year. Since I favored Biology, I was always spacing out the other things.

I came in with this plan to my counselor, and really, I think she just wanted to feel like she was contributing something, because she suggested I switch Physics and AP Biology so that all my AP classes were together. It sounds insane loading AP classes together when you have the option to spread them out, and AP History was still going to be my junior year, but yes, I folded.

I could not keep up in Physics because of the math, and so I switched to Intro to Physics which was just concepts without the equations. A little bit later on, in Algebra/Trig we started doing the math that I didn't know how to do in Physics. Being further along in math, or sticking to my original plan, would have fixed it. As it was, by the time I got to AP Biology I was so overloaded with other AP classes and work that I dropped it.

Honestly, it was not terrible. I earned 51 college credits, though having both Writing 121 and the AP English test canceled out three of them. At University of Oregon the standard then was to take about 15 credits per term for three terms a year. So, I saved about a year of college tuition, which was huge. I would not have done a more science or math-oriented major in college regardless, so it should be fine, but it still bothers me, and I still find myself explaining it to people who do not need to know, now including readers of my blog.

I was thinking about this, and why I felt compelled to go over it all with Chantelle, and why it bothers me so much. One thing that bothers me is that I was such a pushover. I let people hold me back or give me bad advice when I knew better. There may be some value in that, for students and for their parents. With my parents, my father's family was always moving, and they were poor, and Mom went to school in Italy, so they didn't really know the ins and outs of being college-track. I figured out a lot of things later than was useful. If you can help your students lay out a good plan, and stick to their guns, that is great.

But the biggest thing, and this is where I think the actual peace-making comes in, is that I am just going to learn them now. There are books for this. I knew I could find books for the different math levels and physics, but I was worried about covering the right aspects of biology, because I don't remember what the class covered at this point. It turns out there is a For Dummies book specifically preparing for the AP Biology test. That will work.

I hate missing out on stuff, and I have felt shortchanged with this lack of knowledge, so I'm just going to go for it. Maybe I will review the AP Government and Economics materials too - I didn't score very high on those.

I know that I will still be more right-brained, and that in the future I will still read a lot more about history and literature than I will ever read about physics, but I do want more than I have, and what I want is attainable. That feels good.

I am not sure when this will start. Currently on deck for reading are five Native American Heritage month books, six Black History Month books, seven books for girls' issues, nine books about comics, and three miscellaneous, and I try not to be reading from more than two lists at a time. Still, it's coming and it's exciting, and it makes me feel better.

It also reminds me that deficiencies can be corrected, which leads to another thing: I am going to be keeping my eyes open for a pizza-making class. My family likes my pizza as is, but I know it would be better if I were not scared to toss the dough. I believe I could benefit with some instruction in technique, so that's on the radar too.

Driving gets re-evaluated after the next round of soul-searching. I would like it to be this year, but no guarantees. I have come up with a fake dating plan that right when I turn 50 I will sign up for Our Time, and then I will be the hot young thing. It's not a great fake plan, but I have no real dating plans at this time. It leaves more time for reading.

From Macro to Micro

This is my birthday week, and over the next few posts there will be some reviews and previews about what has happened and will happen.

I have written at times about being on this path, where I feel like there are things that I need to do, and then why it was important becomes clear later. Last year I invited chaos for my birthday party, and it was a good evening. It was not super chaotic, but I did pretty much give up worrying about or attempting to control various things.

That was helpful when it became important to trust that other people can jump in when I am not there, and that there are things that I cannot fix, and everything that goes along with caring about a lot of people who are out of reach and whose lives are very tumultuous. It's not that it makes everything easy and never worrisome, but there is a different understanding, and more peace.

This year is shaping up to be completely different. I am still not sure what I am doing on my birthday. I think I will go to another friend's party, but details are still sketchy and so I can't fully commit. I will be doing this church thing the next day, and I am inviting other people to that, and it is something I want, but it is different. And, any special foods I want to eat are on hold until the next week, after my doctor's appointment, I think.

(I do kind of have a birthday lunch in mind of ramen and hot wings. I have given up a lot of food brands to protect orangutan habitat, and ramen is the only thing that has really been a sacrifice.)

Last year, I knew what I wanted, and that was karaoke, but I just did that a couple of weeks ago, and if it happens again soon that will be awesome, but there isn't the same pressing need. I can think of different things I would like to do, and different people I would like to spend time with, but there is no hurry for any of them to happen right now - they can spread out throughout the year.

This shift happened in November. A lot of people post things they are grateful for each day of the month, or at least leading up to Thanksgiving. I have had some great experiences with that, but it didn't feel right this year. Some of that may be due to seeing updates from other people that were kind of snarky, where even though they were saying they were grateful, it kind of sounded like they were complaining. It is entirely possible that it still helps them, because they find a positive in it, maybe, but I found it off-putting. To be fair, November could easily devolve into a bunch of humble brags too, and I didn't see that happening.

Anyway, it did not feel like what I needed, but I started thinking of what I might need. Last year in December I made a point of contacting someone different each day, and I decided I wanted to give everyone a Christmas present, for Twitter and Facebook.

I was not sure how to make that happen, but I started with a spreadsheet, because that's pretty normal for me. I knew I would need to pace myself, but I created three tabs, one for Twitter, one for Facebook, and one for the people we pray for, and started filling them in. I'm kind of thinking I should add one for the neighborhood, or for single adults, though I have not yet done so. There is a lot of expanding. For one thing, I never realized how quickly I added people on Twitter.

Obviously, Christmas is past, and I have not done anything for many people yet. I knew it was not going to be tangible gifts for most people, but it was more taking a look and figuring out what would be good. Is there something I haven't thanked them for? Do they need to talk? I think that's why specific dates have become less important. I am not going to see everyone I want to see on my birthday or for Christmas, but over the course of a year, I could. So then it's just figuring out what for everyone.

Sometimes I know right away. With bands lately, it has been giving them a song of the day, though if I am following the individual members as well as the band then I think it only counts for the band, and not the members. As I was still filling out the spreadsheet I would have some really good contacts with people and think, I haven't officially started yet; does that count? I supported his Kickstarter before I decided to do this; does that count?

I realized that this is about looking. Right now when I jump in for someone, it is because they happen to cross my screen. I am looking at the right moment, and I catch something. That has value, but I could easily miss things that way.

This is an effort to focus, and catch more. Maybe I see your tweets, but I would learn more from your Tumblr. It's still not an attempt to catch everything or take responsibility for everyone. I accept the impossibility of that. As I type this, there are 2279 spreadsheet lines, with very few duplicates, and while I would like to have taken a look at them all by next Christmas, it will take a while.

They may not all need anything either. I may get to some and see that we're good. I know them well enough, and we are in tune enough, and it's fine. But I want to know that I have looked.

So that's what I am working on in this next phase, and since it feels important to do, it seems reasonable that something will come out of it, even if I don't know what. But my promise for you is that I will try and see you for whom you are. If I appreciate you, I will try and remember to tell you. If I can help you, I will. If I can't help you, but I can care, I will try to at least let you know that. And if I ask what I can do for you, I mean it.

It's not really a change; just a refinement.

Related posts:

http://sporkful.blogspot.com/2012/12/theres-this-thing-ive-been-doing-lately.html

http://sporkful.blogspot.com/2010/01/giving-thanks.html

Band Review: You Jump, I Jump

You Jump, I Jump's album Reckless is availably on Spotify, and that is mostly how I listened to it. When the first track, "What Goes Up", started, I thought "Oh no, it's a boy band."

That is not the case. The plaintive harmonies of the song don't go on very long, and then they do a seamless segue into "Reckless", which does some changes in tempo and tone, so that by the end of those two tracks you have covered a fair amount of range.

Based on Facebook, the band is really just Dustin Phillips, though based on the Youtube videos, and listening to the album, he does do a fair amount of collaboration. One complaint about the Youtube channel is that there was no information on the collaborators. So from other linked videos, I think the female may have her own video channel, but I have no idea who the guy who raps is.

The other thing that was interesting is that the videos are mainly covers, when it seems like there should be enough material, with a full album, to focus on that.

Everything is well-performed. There is an emphasis on synthesized sound. The covers come from various artists, which indicates some openness to other types of music. Somehow, it doesn't seem to sink in though. Everything is perfectly pleasant, but it doesn't really seem to go anyway. That flourish should be dramatic, but it's not really building to anything. He seems to be having a lot of fun, and that could be enough, but I do think more is possible.

http://youjumpijump.com/wp/

https://www.facebook.com/youjumpijumpmusic

http://www.youtube.com/youjumpijumpofficial

https://twitter.com/YJIJofficial

Band Review: GalaxSeas

The bits and pieces of GalaxSeas are kind of scattered. Three songs are on the main web site, with Soundcloud links, and can be played there. The two other songs have links from the main site to iTunes, and are also on Spotify. Then on Youtube you can listen to four of the songs (all but "Day 1"), as well as see some video of Jon-Michael Riley speaking, wherein we learn that there was another member but he appears to be gone. There is also one song from an old project, Osage.

Comparing the two, Riley seems to be moving in a more synth-pop direction. It's a bit soft for clubbing because often the beat is not particularly heavy. The most danceable is probably "Driving Me Crazy" and the most heartfelt "Retronic", though that is subjective.

It doesn't look like there is any place to listen to all songs at once, but all the links I could find are listed below.

http://www.galaxseas.com

https://twitter.com/GalaxSeas

https://soundcloud.com/galaxseas

http://www.youtube.com/user/TheGalaxSeas

https://itunes.apple.com/us/artist/galaxseas/id564341533

Comics Review: Ode to Matt Fraction

Matt Fraction may just be the best comic writer out there right now. I know this is a bold statement, despite the "may", but I have been really impressed.

Part of that is that I have been able to read a lot within a fairly short time period, so I have more to go on than with many writers. It was Comixology again. They had a .99 cent Matt Fraction sale, and having heard good things, I went for it. That meant 12 issues of Defenders, 5 issues of Hawkeye, 17 of the Immortal Iron Fist, and 10 issues of The Order. (I also picked up Young Avengers #6 later for more on Hawkeye.)

I started with Defenders. The Immortal Iron Fist issues take place before the Defenders issues, which I realized later, so there could have been some advantage in reading that first, but that is fairly minor.

That leads to one of the things that Fraction does exceptionally well, but let me backtrack. I think that I don't like superhero comics. I can't back that up based on how often I get captivated by superhero comics, but in my mind that is not what I prefer, and there are reasons for that. It has to do with the larger than life situations where huge cataclysms happen, and important relationships and deaths happen, and then it all gets reset, and also the repetition as you need to be reminded once again that Wolverine heals fast or that Peter Parker was bitten by a radioactive spider. (I guess some of that is also preferring limited runs to ongoing series, but again I can't prove that I really do.)

The Matt Fraction reading was full of pleasant surprises because he kept handling these things brilliantly. There were things that I understood better about some developments in Defenders after reading Immortal Iron Fist, but it was not a problem. There are plot elements in both Immortal Iron Fist and The Order that seem to be influenced by Marvel's Civil War series, which I have heard of, but not read anything on, and that was not a problem. There were little phrases and nods, but not hammering over the head with explanation or leaving unsettling gaps. That alone is a nice trick.

Also, having recently read the first issue of a complicated multi-character team-forming arc that just felt loud and messy, I am impressed with the innovative and effective way that The Order was laid out. The interviews as framing devices were interesting, and despite multiple characters and a lot going on, it was easy to follow. The stakes were clear, the plot threads could be followed, and it all worked.

One thing that resonated with me over and over again is how much I liked different characters. That was certainly true with Clint Barton in Hawkeye, which I was expecting, and with Henry Hellrung and Pepper Potts in The Order and Jeryn Hogarth in Immortal Iron Fist, where I really had no expectations. It was also true with Stephen Strange and Betty Ross in Defenders, and I was not expecting that at all.

One thing that bothered me in some of my early Spider-Man reading was that I felt like the writer didn't really like Spidey, and he was favoring other characters over Peter Parker. That was also my first exposure to Dr. Strange (it was in a Dormammu story).

With Dr. Strange, they started out with two minor characters who didn't like him. One is a jerk, and he speaks (thinks, actually) what may be the funniest line of the series "You even sleep sanctimoniously." And you laugh, because it feels true, but that is the jerk. Then, a little later, the more sympathetic character, Molly, tells  him "I wish you knew, just for one second, how you make other people feel." And he does. You have met a former lover, you see him as more human, and he becomes a sympathetic character, instead of an annoying one.

Fraction is good at finding the humanity in his characters. Their vulnerabilities are realistic, and their biggest vulnerability may be caring. That was where I kept finding myself caring about the characters, when they cared about others - from team members in danger to pizza-loving dogs.

It was the characters that got me into Defenders, but then the plot kept getting bigger and more over the top, as tends to happen when you have all of these people with ridiculous powers. Fraction made it make sense, for how all of those many powers and anomalies could happen, and it was perfectly logical, though still huge. And then he undid it.

It should have felt like a cheat, but it didn't. Some of that may have been the desire to have things come right again, because, as previously stated, they care and you care, but also, the way he undid it was beautiful, and was summed up in a beautiful line.

"This time one small act of kindness made all the difference, because in the face of all our nightmares kindness is the most impossible thing of all."

Matt Fraction is smart, and he has heart. It's a winning combination.

Related post:

http://sporkful.blogspot.com/2012/08/pros-and-cons-of-trade.html

Comics review: Comixology's 12 Days of Free Comics

Comixology is where I usually get my digital comics. They had a promotion where for twelve days each day there was a new free comic available, each one the first issue of a series. That was a great way to fill my December with comics. It's not that I loved them all, but I got to try a lot of things, and I appreciated that. Here is a breakdown of what they had, and how I felt about it.

Not so new to me...

Red Sonja and Hawkeye were both ones I already owned. I liked them, so I am glad other people got to try them.

I did not own Sandman, but I had already read it. Still, they are restarting the series, so this is a great time for review. Gaiman ties in the real world encephalitis lethargica epidemic of 1915 - 1926 with Morpheus's captivity, which I have always thought was really clever, though if I were going to purchase something specific from his run, it would definitely be "A Midsummer Night's Dream".

I didn't really care for...

Batman. This one was actually issue 13 of "A Death in the Family", and this is where my geek credibility would come into question, if I had any. I know people like it, but it is so sadistic and bleak, and there are a lot of other things I would rather read.

Marvel Now Point One had some lighter moments, though some were fairly dark, but mainly it seemed really messy. Establishing a large cast of characters is hard, but if the overall feeling left is confusion, and without an emotional investment, I know there is no way I will be going back.

Also, Judge Dredd just didn't appeal to me. I can't point to any specific reason; I'm just not interested. The Bunker is another one that is getting good reviews, and I do find it more interesting than the others, but I didn't find the characters very likable, so I'm not really interested in taking that journey with them.

Okay, now I get it...

I've been baffled my the interest of adults in My Little Pony, but this was pretty well written, and does well with the theme of friendship being magic. I do still get bugged by the use of "somepony" and "anypony", but it at least makes more sense than substituting "smurf" for random words.

I didn't know you could do that...

Motorcycle Samurai takes the most advantage of the digital format that I have seen. It's not exactly animated, but things fill in on a page over time, giving a kind of movement, and it's an interesting effect. This was listed as issue 0, so I don't know if there will be things that are different from this point on.

I might be into this...

Revival and Quantum and Woody were both interesting and well-done, though completely different in tone. Quantum and Woody combines mismatched people working together (adoptive brothers reunited by the death of their father) with learning to use newly acquired superpowers, and there is some humor and some heart to it. There may be a little too much beating around the bush in the first issue, but I think it can overcome that.

Revival follows life in a town quarantined because the dead are not staying dead. It's not a zombie thing, but it's not clear what it is, yet. At least one of the revived is not finding it to be a blessing. So, it's a lot less funny, but it may play out in interesting ways.

Love it. Want it. More please!

I have been intending to read some Greg Rucka anyway, so finding Lazarus as the second offering was a treat, and reading it was an even bigger treat. World building is well handled and an important emotional connection is established early. It worked perfectly for making me want to read the series.

http://www.comixology.com/

Comic Review: Green River Killer and Bram Stoker's Dracula

These were my Christmas presents. They were both ones that I had been wanting for a while, and had requested. I really thought I might get Island of Memory, too, but it's almost my birthday.

Green River Killer: A True Detective Story (Dark Horse Books, 2011)

Written by Jeff Jensen, with art by Jonathan Case and lettering by Nate Piekos of Blambot.

It's in black and white, so there was no colorist. I have to say, that was pretty effective. There is a stark reality to the novel, which color would probably have diluted.

I am a big fan of Ann Rule, and read her Green River, Running Red a few years ago. Also, I had some familiarity with the case just as someone who has lived in the Pacific Northwest all my life, and remembers when it was an open case.

The book is strong at stirring up those memories. Pictures and words bring up specific things about the case, but also there are little touches, like fragments of songs coming from the radio or television shows that evoke the time and place.

The writer is the son of Tom Jensen, the detective who stayed on the Green River task force from 1984 through the case being closed, including a long stretch where he was the only member of the task force. Instead of giving you every detail of the case, it becomes very much a personal story about commitment, and love, and the toll that a job in law enforcement can take. It is ultimately touching and inspiring, and definitely recommended.

Bram Stoker's Dracula: The Graphic Novel (Puffin Graphics, 2006)

Adapted by Gary Reed, Illustrated by Becky Cloonan

This one was by turns disappointing and then frustrating. Some of that may have been my fault. I love Dracula. It's one of my favorite examples of epistolary fiction, it hints of a much larger world than you are shown, and I think it is awesome. That made my expectations pretty high.

Having read the source material multiple times, I may have been too unforgiving of departures, but I thought that when the dialogue was changed, it was to the detriment of the dialogue, and some of the scenes that were included versus some that were not made no sense to me.

I have given Becky Cloonan several good reviews, so I hate not loving something of hers. The art is not bad, and there are some places where it really soars. Those are usually in some of the less literal depictions, where there is more room for imagination. I did not like the depictions of Lucy's three suitors. I suppose some of the peculiarities are to make them more distinct from each other, but I didn't really feel the characters.

There are some things that are interesting about that. The most vivid character was Renfield. Reed has written something else about him, and I am interested in reading that. If I like Cloonan's art better now than in 2006, well, I've never traced a comic artist's evolution over time, and that is an interesting idea - looking at someone's work in chronological order. So, I do not recommend this book, but I am not holding that against the producers.

There was one other bit of frustration that I need to mention. I wanted to add my review on Goodreads, and I did find a version of Dracula with Reed and Cloonan listed, but there wasn't a lot of detail. I entered my information, but then noticed the other reviews were all for the novel, not the graphic novel, so I had just given one of my favorite books two stars. I then saw that I had never reviewed Dracula itself on Goodreads, so I found my edition and entered that, and it changed the one I had done for the graphic novel. It's rare for me to run into issues like this with Goodreads, but this time, it did. I now have notes on both in the same review.

http://jonathancase.net/

http://www.beckycloonan.net/

Band Review: Vinyl Over Wine

There are different ways in which Vinyl Over Wine is hard to pin down compared to yesterday's review. Some of their pages could be a bit more current, but they seem to be a four-man band (previously three) from Wisconsin falling mainly within pop punk. That involves some extrapolation. Also, they seem fairly young.

I mention that because while I like them, I also cannot get the word "puerile" out of my head with them. Let's start with their video for "Bring You Down". Initially it looked like two extended boner jokes and then a drag joke. Watching a second time, the third segment makes it look more like there is this larger story of the awkward guy who fails three times and then it works out. However, there are still the two extended boner jokes and the guy in drag.

The first track I listened to was "The United States of Dadcore", which starts with a quote from Reagan when he was speaking for Goldwater (where he seems to be using a straw man argument, but I would need to do more research more context) and then a lot of F-words. It's easy to write that off, but listening again, it seems to be statement of nihilism that could feel like the most natural response to neocon hostility.

On one level I am stuck on the juvenile aspects, but they are musically pretty solid, I like the guitar playing, and they remain likable. It may be their fresh faces, which goes along with youth, but also in their studio and promotional videos, they come off as sweet and fun, if not mature. "Let's Invite Our Dads Over For Christmas" shows a different side, and the song is well-done, regardless of its humorous underpinnings.

So, I have a soft spot for Vinyl Over Wine, and I think they can do interesting things. Their Everyday Problems EP, and a T-shirt, are available through Big Cartel:

http://vinyloverwine.bigcartel.com/

https://www.facebook.com/VinylOverWine

http://www.youtube.com/user/VinylOverWine?feature=watch

https://twitter.com/VinylOverWine

Band Review: Awakening

I guess Awakening is not a band in the general sense. After listening for a week, there is still a lot that I could not say about them.

It started with one follower, Calvin B. Welshans. He did not immediately register as a musician, but then it became clear that he was, so I added him to the review list. His profile links to an album by Awakening on iTunes, but it is not clear that he plays on it. However, a different search did seem to establish that he plays guitar, and I like what's he's doing with it:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SjspO5hYg2c

The website refers to them as media missionaries, so I suspect what is happening is that different people participate in different recordings under the single umbrella, and that is why there is so much variation, where sometimes it will sound like fairly typical Christian music, sometimes more R & B or Hip Hop, and sometimes even sound a little New Age, none of which would necessarily be expected. ("Hands of God" on The Heart of Eternity varies a lot just within the song.)

It would probably not be fair to evaluate them quite like a regular band because of the differences in background and in purpose. I thought about simply not doing a review, but that didn't feel right either.

It may be representative of everything that I could never find them easily on Spotify. I would search on the band name, and find nothing. I would search on various song titles from the iTunes link, and eventually find them, and then clicking on the band name I would bring up a fairly extensive catalog, but it was always a struggle to even get to where I could do the daily listening. It has been one of the most annoying weeks over.

One problem is that the music just isn't great. Having recently made the connection that bands with really original sounds listen to a lot of different music and grow to know it well, that does not feel like the case here. Everything is pretty standard and repetitive, and it cloys.

I like a fair amount of bands that aren't the most skilled or talented, but they love what they do, and they make it sound right to get across what that song needs to be. So, if " Awakening Inc. exists to bring people to a place where they can see an expression of God in the worship of those who have been born again" is what they are doing working for that?

It is probably a great experience for the people who participate; even if they are not making the greatest music they are expressing themselves and their faith. I hate to judge that harshly, but it's not working for me. Especially on the most recent release, Won't Be Shaken, I get irritated. In my ears it sounds like they are selling Christ like used car salesmen, and turning something that should be reverent and sacred into a pep rally. And no, praise music with a similar sound to "Let's Get It On" doesn't work for me either.

It may work for other people - it probably does - but my overall impression is negative.

On the other hand, I do feel a certain relief at being done with it, and I never would have felt that burst of joy at turning it off if I had never listened at all.

http://awakeningmediainc.com/

https://twitter.com/awakening_media

https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/wont-be-shaken-feat.-corey/id645770043

Applying the Montgomery Method to Comics Conventions

I should start out by saying that I hear such similar things from gaming conventions that I suspect anything that does work out for comics conventions should work for gaming as well, and probably science fiction and fantasy.

Going back to the previous two posts, my thoughts were running on how - in overly simplified terms - women suffer from not speaking up on their own behalf and men suffer from not being called on their actions. That's not to say that the suffering is equally distributed, or that those are the only problems, but I am focusing on them because they can solve each other. As I have also recently read the comic Martin Luther King and the Montgomery Story, my thoughts went there.

The Civil Rights struggle did target specific laws, but it was also targeting mindsets, and it was based in love and compassion. Jim Crow and institutionalized racism were reprehensible, and the people who reflected that racism could and should have known better, but the movement banked on it being possible to teach those people and win them over.

I recently saw a tweet that may have helped as well:

If someone makes a racist/sexist joke, say, with total seriousness, “I don’t get it, can you explain it” Then watch them crash & burn.

That's pretty brilliant. It's more effective than telling them that their joke is stupid or racist, or explaining to them why. It raises one question and puts the burden back on them, where it belongs.

It seems obvious what a perfect response that is now, but I had never thought of it. When something is wrong, I think it's a natural response to feel a need to fix it, where the listener takes the responsibility. That just tends to lead to aggravation. It is also a natural response to think it's better to ignore it, but that doesn't feel great either. So this is a third option, where you are placing the burden of the offense on the offender.

I think this can work at a convention setting. One other thing about the Southern Christian Leadership Conference, and other groups within the movement, is that they did extensive preparation. They held workshops and drills where they practiced. When you are on a panel, and one of your fellow panelists starts asking you lewd questions, maintaining the presence of mind to  find the perfect response would be pretty difficult. If you have practiced it multiple times though, and discussed common issues with other people who have had similar experiences, then it can be easier, because you are ready.

That may sound like a lot of work, but there is a lot of work that goes into it now, with women giving out warnings and being hyper-vigilant to make sure they don't get trapped and to keep an eye out for anyone else who might be getting into trouble, not to mention the emotional toll that comes with everything that can't be prevented. Women are bearing the burden of the bad behavior of others. I believe the tables can be turned.

Everything that I have read tells me that there will be no shortage of material for workshops and drills. That the situation exists is unfortunate, but when you're getting ready to fight having plenty of ammunition is good. I believe that the simple process of sharing experiences with others and discussing appropriate responses will be empowering in itself because of the mutual support, and that first step in giving voice. That will build as the lessons are applied.

Let's look at MariNomi's experience, and this is totally being a Monday-morning quarterback, which would be the point of doing workshops and drills. When the fellow panelist starts asking lewd questions, maybe start with a simple "Why do you ask that?"

That would allow some people to realize that they are being inappropriate and stop. If it persisted, maybe a brief statement that given the panel's topic, taking things in that direction could only devalue it. It is worth spending some time hammering out phrasing. The other statement that might be worth hammering out, because I am amazed at how many times it comes up, might be something along the lines of "Actually, he is my husband, not my owner, so your apology should really be to me." Anyway, I think it's worth trying.

I am under no illusions that it will all be fun and games. At the very least there will be some embarrassment. That will be stressful for the conflict-averse, but it is necessary. Part of maturation is realizing that some things aren't really funny or cute or okay anymore, and that is awkward but that's how it works. It's survivable.

Some people will be very offended, and even hostile. It wouldn't hurt to maintain the buddy system for a while. However, a big part of why some can get away with being so predatory is the tacit acceptance of creepiness. They will resent having less acceptance, but it will also diminish their power.

The thing that bothers me the most is that I think, at least in the early stages, it will need to be women only. The SCLC was open to allies, and while that is a good attitude, I can see that making the places feel less safe and less open, so being detrimental. That makes me start thinking about other marginalized groups. Most of the convention stories I hear are about men harassing women, but I know that other minorities are not well-represented in the industry. If there is not equality there, then there could be abuses of power in other ways.

However, there is something else that makes me optimistic and believe it can work out, even though the story is very extraneous. One of my high school English teachers said that often when a student's writing has multiple problems, addressing one fixes the others. The source for the different problems was an error in how they thought about writing, or while writing, and once the thinking was adjusted it fixed everything. Looking at one symptom of a systemic issue could address the larger issue.

Making conventions safe for women won't automatically make them safe for everyone else, and it won't necessarily square up hiring practices, but it might lead to surprising things. Also, seeing that one thing can be fixed, and how, can make it easier to address the next issue.

Related links:

http://comicsbeat.com/cartoonist-sexually-harassed-on-a-panel-in-front-of-a-room-full-of-people/

http://www.theatlantic.com/entertainment/archive/2013/11/how-to-dismantle-the-comic-books-boys-club/281694/

http://comicsalliance.com/sexual-harassment-women-in-comics/

http://sporkful.blogspot.com/2013/04/teachable-moments.html

Them

It will be much easier to offend people in this post, but I think if you make it through yesterday and today, then tomorrow everything will make sense.

Yesterday I referred to one convention incident, and as I said, while the perpetrator did out himself and apologize, many people felt it was inadequate and were upset not just with him, but with others in the press for letting him off too easily, and they made good points.

While I was mulling over that, another random comment directed me to a different incident, in this case with some complaints on the part of the perpetrator of backbiting and people being two-faced. This reminded me of some other comments I had seen. In the third case, some were complaining about one web site posting unfounded allegations irresponsibly, and then others were complaining about that attitude, which seemed soft on the harassers.

Those last two paragraphs may be confusing, so I'll sum up. There is a total of three incidents, involving three separate comic book creators, usually with multiple victims, and unhappiness in all directions. None of the creators were people that I had heard of before, but in all of the commentary people I like were criticized for not being harsh enough.

(I'm omitting names deliberately, because I think it would be a distraction, but it may not be that hard to figure out.)

One of the common refrains in a lot of the articles was "We all know there are a lot of creeps in the industry." There are, but labeling them creeps means that for someone who is friends with the creep, and has had good working experiences, "creep" does not describe the person. They may go too easy on a friend, because it's hard to accept someone we like and respect doing that.

It may be more helpful to think of the industry as full of people, but with a culture that encourages some pretty creepy behavior, and with a population where the majority benefits from that culture, so there is resistance to change.

It's not that some people are not super-creepy; they are. It's not that people shouldn't know better; they totally should. It is also remarkably easy to go along with the norms without examining. I'm going to refer to a non-convention related story.

http://theremina.tumblr.com/post/70314555185/i-was-threatened-with-violence-and-rape-and-begged-a

There have been several edits as new things happen, but the original post that I read starts below the 12/23 edit. This was a frightening experience for the author, and I don't blame her for that. I appreciate her compassion for the driver; she is correct that they need better training and procedures in place. If nothing else, the driver should have silenced the guy once they were both on the bus.

There is also something that I notice with the harasser though, and this is not a defense of him. He was offended too, for being perceived as dangerous. Race appears to have been a factor. Now, responding to that by threatening language is so stupid and wrong, and not having any empathy for the author, really, everything that he did was wrong. I also notice that in what she quoted, he threatened to slap her, but the other things he told her that she deserved, not that he was going to do them.

It seems to be an important part of rape culture that while there is a limited number of men who will rape, there are a lot more who are okay with the mention of it, and with all that is demeaning and dehumanizing. Maybe it is easier to feel like they are still good people, because they aren't doing anything illegal.

There is a whole spectrum of this behavior. Rape and physical violence is the extreme end, and that does sometimes happen at comics conventions, but not nearly as much as groping, which still happens less often than verbal harassment.

What I wonder about with the guy at the bus stop is if that could have been turned around. She was viewing him as a threat, which was reasonable. While the burden of his bad behavior is totally upon him, ff she had said something that acknowledged his humanity, but still turned him down, could that have been a better experience? I don't know, but I'm going to link to one more thing:

http://freethoughtblogs.com/greta/2013/01/08/rape-prevention-aimed-at-rapists-does-work/

The first time I read the ten percent statistic, it was being used as an argument against direction rape prevention at rapists, because a ten percent improvement isn't very effective. I disagree. For the people affected by that ten percent, it's really significant, yes, but also I think there is a bigger impact.

Let's say you have some people who will assault and rape, no matter what you do, another group who was never going to sexually assault anyone, and then the target group, who views things differently after the campaign and does change behavior. They don't become criminals, which is good, and means that some people are not becoming crime victims who otherwise would have, which is also good.

I suspect there is also a difference in the group that would never commit the assault, because maybe they are now less likely to think "She was asking for it." That's a key part of the culture, and it matters, so reducing that attitude matters.

And the changes in that group make a difference for the ones who will not be educated. Maybe some of them won't be moved by education, but would be moved by societal pressure. Maybe some of them will have to retreat when there are no longer safe places for them to demean and hurt.

I know, I am going back and forth between things that are crimes and things that are awful but legal, but there are correlations, and I think the correlations are important. That's how we pick up on the trends and themes, and how we can extrapolate to find solutions, which is where tomorrow will be going.

Authenticity

More often than you would think, I find myself exhorting young girls not to lie to their therapists and counselors. It's not because the deception keeps the professional from having the knowledge to help them, because frankly hearing their experiences has not really bolstered confidence in available mental health services.

It was more a realization that they were already too disconnected from hiding too much. Every lie they told reinforced that what they really thought and felt and wanted didn't matter. It didn't mean they should tell everyone everything, but it was important not to lie. So refusing to discuss something was fine, and I may have at times encouraged telling the professionals that they were doing lousy jobs and that the things they were suggesting were stupid, but that whatever they said needed to be true.

Honesty has been a recurring theme this year, often by its absence. The lack of honesty has been an issue in politics, and comics, and every social issue, because refusing to look at things with a clear eye is often what allows the perpetuation of the issues, so honesty is an important thing that we do for society, but I am also recognizing it more as an important thing that we do for ourselves.

This probably sounds like I am beating around the bush. That is partially true. I am nervous about doing a bad job with my overarching theme for the week, but also, making these connections is important. Looking at the big picture, it makes total sense that we need to be true to ourselves. There are countless examples of how lies erode and corrode, so it makes sense for me to apply that where we're going now, and this week is going to basically be about sexual harassment in comic culture. Some of my examples will go beyond that, but my solution is going to be centered around conventions and events. And I am nervous because there will be many opportunities for people to take offense, and if they must they must, but I want to at least write clearly enough that nothing is misinterpreted.

One of the incidents that has led to this series of posts is written up pretty well here:

http://comicsbeat.com/cartoonist-sexually-harassed-on-a-panel-in-front-of-a-room-full-of-people/

There is quite a bit more to the story, because the harasser has come forward, and apologized. There were some deficiencies in the apology, and apparently some patterns, and that probably goes more with tomorrow's post, but one thing that really had me thinking was this:

"We get the hell out of there. I vent to my husband. We drive to my friend’s house and I vent to her and her partner. That evening, I distract myself with comfort food, wine and an engaging movie, and hope that I’ve gotten past it, but six hours after the panel has ended, I’m sobbing on the couch, feeling helpless and self-loathing.

I hate myself for acting like everything was fine, for not standing up for myself, for letting him disrespect me in front of all those people. Thirteen hours later, it’s the middle of the night and I’ve woken up in a rage. I’m not over it. In fact, I can’t think about anything except how victimized I feel. How there’s nothing I can do about it now."

That hit home. I know from my own experiences that when I have let others disrespect me, it haunts me, and when I have stood up for myself, I have felt proud. Sometimes there was really no difference in how the people were treating me, only in my reaction. What I have decided years later was that when I played it off or ignored it, I was essentially giving these people permission to abuse me, and so I believed what they said, and internalized it.

I was not thinking, oh, it's okay for them to do this, but at times we are taught that words don't mean anything, or that people respect you more if they can't get a rise out of you, and various other things that sound good but don't take the psychological cost into account. If you are female, you are taught over and over again to be nice and not make a fuss.

There are a lot of things that I am willing to suck up without complaining. I can work long hours in uncomfortable conditions, and I can clean up disgusting messes for loved ones, and I can let someone be very annoying if they need a listener and I accept a role in fulfilling that need. Those all have purposes where there is a good reason for the trade off. I'm not sure we do a good job of analyzing the choices involved in accepting some things.

So, the first way I could offend someone is if this is taken as victim-blaming; that is not my intent. MariNaomi handled a difficult situation with dignity, and when that did not feel like enough she has been brave and open about the experience. I will not criticize her for that. It is in that open communication that we have a description of one big cost to the current attitudes, and the current normal.

Often reading about comic culture, or gamer culture, and probably several other cultures that I am not going to get into, there are costs that we think about more than others. We do think about how overall that makes things less pleasant, and it reinforces a lack of diversity which has creative costs, and makes it harder for talented people to succeed, but right now the cost I am thinking about is personal. I am thinking about how women take abuse, and shrug it off, and are then left with this lack of resolution, and self-loathing.

What I am saying that is possibly different is that I now understand that self-loathing as being a result of feeling complicit in one's abuse. We can take an honest look at that, and reasons why it was logical and that may be helpful. We can also decide that speaking up is important, and figure out the best ways of doing that. But first, we also need to take an honest look at the other side of it.

I do ultimately believe that the truth sets us free.

Band Review: Sina Lloyd & Buddy Greenfield

I almost bumped Sina Lloyd to a different week, because I was concerned that the similarities in sound between her and Femke Weidema would result in confusion. That ended up being okay, largely because of the Cotton Wine element for Femke.

Looking at Sina Lloyd specifically, there is another element there, with most things being listed as Sina Lloyd & Buddy Greenfield. The Twitter account that followed me was, I think, initially just Sina, and so I am not sure how long they have been collaborating. They seem very united, musically and romantically, so I did put him in the title, but I have been thinking of her as solo for months.

Like yesterday, this is essentially synth pop again, but this time the focus feels more slinky rather than perky. Perhaps with a couple working together, it makes sense to feel a little more sexual.

Among the individual songs, there is a certain feeling of sameness, which is probably fine if you like club music. My favorite was "Bound to Occur", largely for the visuals of the video. They have put interesting visuals with a lot of the songs - sometimes with original footage, sometimes not - so Youtube is probably the best starting point.

The other thing that may be of interest is that they do a lot of holiday songs, so you can find songs "Favorite Time", "Happy Halloween", and "My Valentine".

http://www.sinalloydandbuddygreenfield.com/

http://www.youtube.com/user/TheSinaLloyd

https://twitter.com/SinaLloyd

Band Review: Femke Weidema and Cotton Wine

I wasn't sure what to do with this one. Femke Weidema initially followed me on Twitter, so ended up on the review list. I did not find a lot of songs on her main site, but as I searched more I found that she also is apparently in a new band, Cotton Wine, and it did not seem right to neglect that. So, I have been listening to both.

There are several links given, but I believe the most valuable is the Soundcloud one, because there you find her solo material, Cotton Wine tracks, and even collaborations and background music. If there is anywhere to get an idea of the full range, it is at Soundcloud.

In the most general, basic terms, the solo songs tend to be a little more dance/techno, whereas for Cotton Wine it feels more country, but possibly more folk than country. Actually, "Bloody Mary" kind of reminds me of All The Apparatus.

I feel like the work with Cotton Wine grounds her, where there is more substance and more interest than in the solo material, so that might be the best starting place.

http://www.femkesongs.com/

https://www.facebook.com/femkesongs?fref=ts

https://twitter.com/femkesongs

http://www.cottonwine.com/

https://www.facebook.com/CottonWineMusic

https://soundcloud.com/femkeweidema

Charity

I have written about the toy drive we do at work before, but this was the first year that I ended up doing a volunteer shift with it.

I was a little surprised at how it went. We got to the place and found two mountains of bags. We were opening the bags from one mountain, which were the donations as they had come in. We emptied those, and then put them into new bags in groups of 15, because the toys hadn't been counted yet. And we did some sorting. Sometimes there were clothes or school supplies, and those went into separate places, and sometimes we would find things that were broken or not new, and those did not go in the new bags, but mainly it was open, empty, count while loading into new bag, tie, and toss it onto the other mountain.

Agencies would later come and take a specific number of bags, based on (I assume) how many children they were serving and also how many bags there were. I know there have been years when we were under goal. I don't know how things came out this year, but I know it was a lot of toys.

Bikes are handled a little differently, and some of the larger toys, but ultimately there is a certain element of randomness to which agencies get which bags and what is inside. Previously when I had thought about kids getting what they really want, I thought in terms of whether what they wanted happened to be donated, but there's a lot more involved.

That's not to say that there is no value in getting any presents, or that this drive is their only shot. I know at different malls you will see requests for specific items on their giving trees, and some of the agencies may work with multiple collection sources, but there is still this thought that there could be some special wishes that don't get fulfilled only because the right connections are not made.

The work of official charities and agencies is important. I don't want to take anything away from what they do, because it is valuable and it is hard, and they put in a lot of effort. (And I imagine I will never stop thinking about the importance of an equitable society.) However, there are some things that only work out when it is individual to individual.

There are food banks to keep people from starving, but that favorite, homemade food usually requires a person. There are also a lot of times when our basic needs are met, so we aren't on any charity's radar, but there may be wants that seem hopeless. When someone who knows makes that happen, that is magic. Actually, it's better than magic; it's love.

In the Tuohy's book, In a Heartbeat: Sharing the Power of Cheerful Giving, they do focus on the cheerful part, but also they talk about "popcorn giving" - responding to things as they pop up.

There are chances all around when you pay attention. Sometimes you just realize, I can do that. I could get that shirt for her. I can send cookies. These are rarely life and death things, but they provide little bursts of joy, because they show that you have been seen. Someone noticed. Someone cares.

I read Howard's End because of the phrase "Only connect." I thought it would be about connecting to each other. It is actually about connecting the animal and the angel, the poetic and the prosaic. It is about connecting all of the forces that seem to be in opposition but that actually require cooperation. It still worked though, because to fully connect to each other, we need to deal with the contradictions of each other.

We need to love each other despite the nuisances and the flaws. The general feeling of goodwill to men is important, but it is even better to love specifically. I see you. I care about you. I can do this for you.

Charity is only something that we do until it is something we become.