Summing up

I feel like the minute I post this I will realize something that I forgot to mention that was important. Still, if that's what it takes to realize an important piece, then that's probably reason enough to do it. Besides, the way I spread things out over multiple posts may not be ideal for anyone trying to follow along.

I am messed up - highly functional, but messed up nonetheless. I undertook a reading program partly to help other messed up people, but I knew it would be for me too. One of the big realizations during the course of that was how disconnected from my body I have been. There are physical repercussions to that, but it does not operate in a vacuum from my emotions. I had gotten back in touch with some of the emotions that led to the disconnection already, which may lead to a focus more on the physical now, but it seems to go back and forth.

There were three key events that formed my self-image. I had identified two of them earlier, but only recently realized the impact of the third.

6 years old - I was sitting by myself on the playground, and a group of girls came and started talking about how fat I was. From then on I saw myself as fat, even though I was not at that time.

14 years old - While eating lunch in the cafeteria one boy asked me to go steady with him as a joke, but then his friend started asking and wouldn't stop, following me to my next class. It was then that I knew that no boy could ever like me.

17 years old - I was learning to drive, but did not want to learn with my father. I was scared to get in the car with him. Initially he didn't force the issue, but three days before my 17th birthday he told me to get in the car, and I did. I hit a car, would not get back in the car when he insisted, and walked home. I avoided him for the rest of the day, but the next morning he told me how stupid I was, and that he was ashamed of me. He didn't speak to me again for two and a half years. This is the one where I had not realized it affected me, but I think a lot of my trust and self-worth issues come from here. I still feel very ashamed of not driving, and very scared when I think about trying to drive.

There were other factors at play. Early experiences that taught me that no one wants to see you cry or talk about why you're sad and a general inability to ever satisfy my father played parts. I am sure my father's lack of respect for my mother and his cheating played a part. Being rejected by a boy because he found out I liked him was a key experience, especially because no longer being friends with him was probably why I was alone on the playground that day.

There are other things that played smaller parts. For example, in high school my bike was stolen. At the time Aloha was getting really bad for bike theft. It was an Italvega that I loved and rode everywhere. I bought a replacement from K-Mart, where I was working at the time, but it didn't feel as good, and then I could no longer leave my bike in an easy to access place, and I started riding less.

The roads had started getting more dangerous anyway, and that was long before they started putting in bike paths. Timing didn't help, but ultimately there is a lot in the suburbs to discourage physical activity, so you have to be actively aware and fighting for it.

My big takeaway from my formative years was that I was not worth fighting for. Ultimately, there is a lot in society that will tell you that, especially if you are female, especially if you are fat, and boy howdy, especially if you are both fat and female.

Now I am trying to sort all that out. I can see now that the people who hurt me were wrong on an intellectual level. They were not being kind or accurate or anything where I should have let them form my ideas about my place in the world. Since I believed them then, and carried those beliefs with me over years, on an emotional level shaking it off is hard.

There are still plenty of messages out there about how worthless I am. On a good day, I know they're wrong. On a bad day I have doubts, and really wonder why there are still so many negative messages out there.

Becoming me

Looking up the old posts from 2010, it occurred to me that maybe my problem with drama was that it didn't keep me busy enough. For someone who did as many things as I ended up doing, there is a certain logic to that. In addition, my previous explanation to myself had been unsatisfactory.

Back then I told myself that I was never going to be a lead because I wasn't attractive and I couldn't sing, and so there was no point in it. I have never liked that explanation because it sounds like a narcissistic hissy fit.

It was also untrue. People of various sizes and vocal ranges got some very interesting roles. I probably could have as well. I may not have been into acting enough, which is fine. I did still take one more drama class the next year, and I think it illustrates something.

We had a lot of opportunities to write our own sketches. When I helped other people with theirs, they were usually more comic. Most of the parts that I remember enjoying other people doing were comic. I always wanted to do dramatic, relationship-based things, even if they were overwrought and not very fun. I saw myself doing it, but I didn't know why I couldn't let it go.

In retrospect, I think what the loss of feeling that I could be loved as myself meant to me was that I couldn't be a star, even in my own life. If love is the main storyline - and yes, this probably was worse because I was a girl and societal expectations and all - then ineligibility for love meant permanent supporting cast. I struggled with that.

That's when I went around trying everything and looking for something new.

Okay, I was not good at guitar, but I was a valued member of the yearbook staff in ninth grade, and in the process I learned how to process and develop film. I had access to the darkroom. I also got great grades that year and cleaned up at the end of the year assembly. Teachers voted me outstanding French student, English student, Social Studies student, and then I got Most Academic too, by student vote. However, I remember that even though I wanted to get Most Academic because I could get it, when the ballots were going around I wished I could get the award for Nicest Eyes or something like that.

So even though I tried a lot more things the next year in high school, the one that really stuck was sports management, where I was supporting cast. I had rebelled against it, but without understanding what I was doing or why, perhaps it was inevitable that the place where I landed up was one where I was serving others, and not a star.

I feel like I'm being disloyal to the teams saying that. I really loved them, and the guys were nice to me for the most part, and after my father stopped speaking to me just having the coaches in my life was huge, but I probably should have been doing something for me, and for building the life that I wanted.

The problem was that I was quickly losing the ability to believe that I could have good or interesting things for me, so there was nothing to try for. I became "the friend" with guys. In some ways that was what I had been doing all along. I was prone to shame before, and people-pleasing and over-functioning, but it got cemented here, between 14 and 17.

On one level I was just putting everything off to the future. Someday I would lose weight, and then someone would love me, but I think on another level I didn't really believe it would ever happen.

http://sporkful.blogspot.com/2010/08/girl-on-run.html

http://sporkful.blogspot.com/2010/08/club-sandwich.html

Is that what was happening?

I guess it's time to get back to disconnecting  and reconnecting with my body.

Some of the things I will be writing about this week are things I have written about before, though it's been longer than I realized. I was looking for a couple of posts and they were from August 2010.

There were things that I pegged accurately then, but there were things that I missed completely, and have only started to see recently.

That includes that I was disconnected from my body. I did kind of know that I was missing weight gain. I was deliberately trying to ignore it, though it should not have been so possible, but I knew a while ago that I had blocked out that. I had no comprehension of how good I had gotten at blocking out pain and discomfort and all of these other things that I should have been able to notice and understand.

That's the big focus here, except that the reasons for the disconnect and the results and the methods all relate to the mind and spirit too, and there's not going to be any healing of the body without healing the rest. I have to be an integrated soul.

Here are the other things that I missed.

I knew that I got frustrated with everything in 9th grade, and I changed both my classes and my after-school activities for that. I thought that I had just gotten sick of theater; I did not connect it to the incident of harassment. I suppose I couldn't, since I was trying to pretend that it never happened. Now, yes, I think the incident that spawned the deep-rooted conviction that boys being attracted to me could only ever be a joke, and the unhappiness associated with that, may have contributed to my trying to make my life completely different.

There are things specific about giving up drama and going into sports management that are going to get their own post tomorrow. For now, there was something else that I hadn't grasped.

I knew that it was hard on me when Dad disowned me. At 17 I told myself that it wasn't that bad. At ages older than that, I had to admit that it was pretty bad, but I still didn't think that it changed me. Many of the things that I did after he stopped talking to me were things that I had been doing before, and so I could kind of convince myself that I was already developed enough that it didn't make much difference, but I think it did. I think it was kind of a final severance there, that I was on my own, and I could not count on anyone.

Coincidentally, I recently came across the Adverse Childhood Experiences study, and the concept of an ACE score. It focuses on the things that happen before you turn 18.

I don't know that I would have chosen that cutoff. My theory previously was that what happens in your first twenty years determines the way that you are broken, and then from 20 on it's all about starting to fix it. All of my breakage happened before 18, so point taken.

Maybe if that conflict had waited a year, I would only think it was my father who couldn't be depended on, and not the world. Maybe that's what the difference is. And maybe I would have learned to drive some other way, and be doing that now.

Where I started to see that more was when I had the guitar dream. It connected my beginning guitar class and my father in a way that I hadn't before, like there was an arc that started at 14 and completed at 17, and that's who I became. I don't think I have to undo everything about it, but I have to undo the false beliefs, and my method for that seems to be unraveling it all in painstaking detail.

For now, even though I don't play the guitar much, I'm still glad I have her. That feels like one of the few things that went right.

http://www.npr.org/blogs/health/2015/03/02/387007941/take-the-ace-quiz-and-learn-what-it-does-and-doesnt-mean

http://sporkful.blogspot.com/2013/04/my-dream-guitar-story-in-three-parts.html

http://sporkful.blogspot.com/2013/04/it-was-not-just-guitar.html

http://sporkful.blogspot.com/2013/04/but-it-was-guitar-too.html

Band Review: Just Like Giants

As I started assembling the links for this review, the Twitter and Facebook links were broken. Although music has been added to the other pages as recently as May 2014 - so less than a year ago - it appears that Just Like Giants has broken up.

I feel bad about this; they had a pretty good sound. Also, when I have been listening to a band for a week and then discover that I was missing key information I feel irresponsible, like I should have figured it out sooner. However, I still would have felt the need to review them. I knew Atlantic Aftermath was broken up, and I knew that Nina Simone was dead, but doing those reviews still felt necessary.

And, once music is captured on the internet it is there forever. The individual members may do other things, but for now you six songs spread across two EPs, with earnest, angst-y pop punk. My favorite track is "Take It Back" off of the EP of the same name. I think Take It Back is the stronger effort, but I found both EPs to be good listening.

It generally takes a few tries to get the right band composition. I hope things work out for the various Just Like Giants members.

http://justlikegiants.bandcamp.com/

https://soundcloud.com/justlike_giants

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCcIqv-urvjk-PiN8ttyzKfQ

Band Review: Marcio Novelli

Marcio Novelli self-describes as alt rock pop.

That probably works. I have been trying to think of sounds I could compare him to and have not been having much luck. There is a plaintiveness to the vocals that reminds me a little of the Rejects and Boys Like Girls, but with a single performer it is quieter. It is not necessarily acoustic, but has that feeling. Songs tend to be more emotional and serious, which may be why the alt comes before rock and pop.

(Without being very familiar with his work, I think Ed Sheeran fans might like Marcio Novelli.)

My personal favorite was "This Song Is Not For You", which has a new fan participation video. Other good tracks to check out are "In The Mourning" which has a more complex instrumentation adding layers, and "Siren Song" which throws you right in with no intro, giving an interesting effect.

Music is available through iTunes and Amazon.

http://marcionovelli.com/

https://www.facebook.com/marcionovelli

https://itunes.apple.com/ca/artist/marcio-novelli/id306215960

http://www.amazon.com/Its-Not-Excuse-Reason/dp/B009S1HHBM/

https://www.youtube.com/user/MarcioNovelliMusic

https://twitter.com/MarcioNovelli

Writing is hard

Writing Family Ghosts has been slow going. There have certainly been distractions, but on it's own it just hasn't tended to flow, even though I know where the story is going.

I was surprised by this, but I shouldn't have been. Writing the novel of Family Blood was easy, because I was simply adapting the screenplay. What I had forgotten, because it had been a while, was that writing the screenplay had been really hard.

It started with a really pressing dream, and the ideas were pretty full-fledged while I was writing. The project I'd been working on before that had flown, but suddenly the new one didn't.

Different projects have different energies to them. It's not that you can say they are better or worse, or that it would feel right to say that, but each writing project is its own experience.

Now, one thing that had been a little hard with the Family Blood novel was that it soon became clear that the way it needed to be written was that each chapter would be from the point of view of one of the characters. I had never done that before, but for this it felt right, and I like that it kept all of the characters well-represented, instead of two leads and a supporting cast.

I am also using that method for Family Ghosts. It has its own challenges. For example, yesterday I mentioned several false starts on Chapter 3, and part of it was that I just kept starting with the wrong character. I thought it was going to be Mark, and then Gus, but really, all along it needed to be Nate. Chapter 17 had been going great, I was almost done with the scene, then nothing went right. It was time to switch from Allison's perspective to Kit's.

It is a more complicated story in many ways. Blood takes place over four days, starting on a Halloween Wednesday and concluding that Saturday, November 3rd. (I guess that makes it 2012.) Ghosts starts the night of the 3rd and goes through to the day after Thanksgiving, November 23rd.

It is less of an action book. There are no vampire attacks. There is only one scene of real physical danger. It's more emotional though, because everyone is recovering from the trauma of what happened in the first book, and maybe things that happened before the first book play a role. So there are conversations that happen, and stages in healing, that need to come in the correct order for the appropriate impact. I've had to start writing out of sequence, and I'm going to need to spend more time editing than usual to get all of that right.

I'm going to want some preview readers. I want some musicians to read it and tell me if the band parts feel right. That is about being in a band too, not just being a musician. So I'm thinking about the various bands I've reviewed, and the musicians I've interacted with more, and whom I can ask. The tricky part there is that a lot of the ones I can ask are not currently in bands, so I'm afraid that particular favor may be similar to giving them a nice paper cut and pouring lemon juice on it. I'll worry about that next week.

The other area where pre-viewers will be handy is in the balance of delivering information from the old book in the new book so anyone can follow. I get annoyed with book series reading over and over again about the twins' matching gold lavalliere pendants, Claudia's junk food habits, and how George and Bess are cousins. I want to strike that delicate balance between, "Yeah, yeah, we get it; there were vampires" and "Wait, there were vampires?"

Initially, when I was thinking in terms of movies, I could see Family Blood and Family Reunion (book 3, sometimes this summer) as movies, but Family Ghosts was too quiet. It's the things that happen in between. As I write Ghosts, I don't know that I see it as a movie, but I am still very fond of it. There is friendship, and healing on multiple levels, and the ending is pretty happy, which was not true of Blood.

(The ending to Reunion will be much more similar to Blood, and then there's going to be a bit of a gap before I start the next three. I feel guilty about it, but I can add an epilogue that will be kind of a "Whoa", and that will have to be enough.)

Anyway, that's where I'm at. Family Ghosts will be available March 31st. Watch this space:

http://www.amazon.com/Gina-Harris/e/B00OC0N218/

My creative week

Shortly after I got Family Blood up, I knew there would be a Family Ghosts, but I thought that I was going to write a screenplay first. I found I could only work on Family Ghosts. I started that and wrote two chapters. That's about when the overtime kicked in.

It started right around Christmas. I did work extra hours that week, and then it was six weeks of fifty or more hours per week, and then there was still a little bit of overtime but it was tapering off.

I was not making any progress with writing. Mainly, I was just really tired. I know I mentioned the tiredness in the blog, but I started to think about how I really wanted to take some time off, and this idea began to take shape.

I wanted to take a week off to just be creative. If I were a professional screenwriter, or other kind of writer, and could focus on that, what would my life look like?

I have gone through times of being more or less disciplined with my writing. When I was unemployed I wrote a lot, but there was also a lot of job hunting going on, and the fear and worry may have hampered some things. I had vacation time saved up, so that would remove the worrying aspects. The idea burned in me and I started to long for it.

I tried to be strategic about requesting the time off. I wanted it to be after the rush. If I had the week off after working a 50-hour week, I would just sleep. I didn't want it to be the week of President's Day, because holiday weeks are restorative in their own way. The most likely option seemed to be the week before, but the Friday of that week would be my sisters' birthday, and I was afraid they would take the day off and be around. I wanted it to be as normal a week as possible. My sisters assured me they were working that day, so I scheduled February 9th through 13th. It did not go as planned.

The first wave of sickness started working its way through the house the weekend before. (I say first because there seems to be a second one going through.) Julie came down with it first. She was home Tuesday and Wednesday. She made her way back to the office just in time for Maria to get sick. Maria stayed home Friday. Then, as I finished up my long weekend and started back at work, I got sick.

I don't want to complain too much about the disruption. It was much worse for them being sick on their birthday week. They had to cancel a lot of plans and it was pretty miserable for them. They did cramp my style and eat into my time somewhat, but I still had some time. The rest of it was me.

I had really ambitious dreams. I imagined writing three chapters a day, and in between writing sessions I would draw comics, and practice my bass, and read. I would daily give special one-on-one attention to all three pets (which was going to include bathing) and my mother, and get some home projects done too.

I did no pruning, and have still not completed this evaluation that I have been meaning to do. I did read some. I only practiced my bass once. I did not draw anything. I did not exercise as much as I meant to. I did spend time with Dellie, Maeve, Cody and Mom, but various specific goals were not met, and Dellie still needs a bath.

And I only wrote one chapter a day. I often do that on a work day!

I knew on one level that I would not do all of the things, but I thought I would do more and it turned out that all I could really hack was the writing. I went from multiple false starts on Chapter 3 to Chapter 12. That was good, I just wanted to do more.

The family crowding and oncoming illness may have played some part, but also I really underestimate how long it takes to do things. This novel especially is slower going, which I will write more about tomorrow.

The week was not everything that I dreamed it would be. I am not Wonder Woman; I am merely woman. That is disappointing.

It was also not a total loss. I was able to recalibrate. The extra work hours had really slowed me down, and taken me out of my writing groove. The vacation gave me time to get back in. There was progress, and progress continues to be made.

I have had doubts in the past about whether life as a professional creator would be too unstructured, and I would have a had time being productive. I have been productive under some pretty horrible circumstances since then, so I was pretty sure that would be okay, but it was nice to test it out and get confirmation.

It also probably helped prepare me for the understanding that some other things need to be put on hold for now, with priority going to the writing. (Sunday's post has more detail on that.) That works too.

I would still like to see what the magical week would look like, but this was okay too.

http://preparedspork.blogspot.com/2015/03/changing-plans.html

Writing Business

Cara can be downloaded free today: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00O9A9QV6

There is a free Kindle app that you can use on other devices, including a desktop PC. I have heard that it is easy to use, though I have not tried it yet.

I had enrolled the book in the Kindle Unlimited program to see how it worked. When I needed to make Family Blood free, I discovered that the promotions go through that program. You can either do a countdown where the price changes each day, or just make it free, but there is a limit of five days of promotion within the ninety day Kindle Unlimited enrollment. Cara ends its ninety days today, so it was make it free now or never. (And yes, I started Thursday for the full five days.)

I mention this not just so you can get your own free copy if you read this in time, but also because I have been having some related conversations this weekend. One happened Friday night, comparing notes with a musician friend. I was saying how I have a royalty deposit coming in today of $3.49, and perhaps I would splurge on Taco Bell. She had bought a couple of cables with the proceeds from her album. We are living the dream.

Last night it was with Scott Timberg, author of Culture Crash: The Killing of the Creative Class, which deals with the effect of the economy on the creative class. I have not read it yet, and will have to wait a bit to do so, but I am sure I will get into it more. He asked if I did something (I imagine there were a lot of creative people at the event) and I said "I have written seven screenplays and am working on my third novel, and I have made $13.00." (That's counting the $10.00 I made last year.)

I realize that can sound bitter, but I have consciously chosen to make both of the novels that are out free. I do get a lot more downloads that way, but I also advertise them more when they are free, so I acknowledge that I am part of the problem.

Part of it is that I expect any actual money I make to come from the screenplays, and it just hasn't happened yet. The novels feel important, but I am afraid that maybe they are novels that are good for you, because they help you process emotional and relationship issues, but not fun reading where people are going to be all "Wow! I loved it!" (I don't get much feedback.)

But I write them anyway, because I have to. I also keep a day job. I called the cable-buying musician a friend, but we are also co-workers, because we have day jobs, and will keep them. The economy needs to be better for a lot of reasons, but my writing doesn't depend on that.

There were some interesting points made about technology, which plays a role but is not the sole factor. Yes, part of the issue is people streaming music for free instead of buying it, but other factors include a lack of willingness to pay for reporting or upgrade infrastructure including public buildings, and though it didn't come up last night, even to see people who work for charities have comfortable incomes. It affects the communities we have.

Right now I feel better about it because I've had a few paychecks with overtime on them, and my tax refunds just came in. Right now there is money in the bank. We also finally just got the stove replaced after losing use of it in November, and that was just the first thing to fix. The relief is temporary, but for now it feels good.

That is just life; it should sound familiar to a lot of people. My life is richer and more rewarding for having a creative outlet. I feel it is one worth sharing, and that is apparently more important to me than making money. I am grateful there are tools in place that make doing so easier. Kindle Direct Publishing and Amazon are a part of that, but so are Facebook and Twitter, where I tell people about the books, and e-commerce in general. It helps.

March 31st Family Ghosts will be out, and I will go into that a bit more in the next two posts. For now I am saying that I will not make it free, at least not right away, but I could be fooling myself.

If you wish to fund more cables: http://drsomething.bandcamp.com/

Band Review: Milo

I may be premature in reviewing Milo now, because there is a tweet today about finishing the album two days ago. It felt like the right time to do it.

As part of the Hellfyre Club, which many of the links focus on, my listening was skipping around a lot finding different work, some by Milo and some not. I ended up focusing more on A Toothpaste Suburb and Things That Happen At Day // Things That Happen At Night.

There is a mellow feel to the music. Milo does rap, but it is rap that could be accompanied with lava lamps and crystals. The rhythm hypnotizes instead of attacks. It is fitting that it references Freud and Schopenhauer and bergamot.

At the same time there is a playfulness, where the video for "The Confrontation at Khazad-dûm" shows a day of sledding and a costumed white ape. Plus, it's called "The Confrontation at Khazad-dûm". (That's another name for Moria, where Gandalf battled the Balrog.)

There are many references to pop culture and geek culture. I had wondered if "Hellfyre Club" was an X-men reference, and I wasn't sure, but the Kitty Pryde references have to be. I find that the references to cartoons and games and television shows lighten the mood when the subject matter is heavy. There are serious things being sung, but then there are sly smiles inserted with familiar names and nostalgia. I found it enjoyable.

Music can be purchased via Bandcamp and iTunes.

http://miloraps.com/

https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/things-that-happen-at-day/id626573506

https://www.facebook.com/modestmilo

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCcbYPvg9W_QvStNFPKoUfXg

https://twitter.com/yomilo

Band Review: TAKNbySTORM

TAKNbySTORM reminds me of All-4-One. Some songs are slightly less mellow, but it is still in that vein.

The artist brings his personal faith and feelings into the songs, which is good, but at the same time it just doesn't seem to go deep enough. A song about starving children should stir deep emotion, but feels amateurish.

This seems to be more of a product of the lyrics than the music, with simplistic rhymes and phrasing. I believe is something that can be improved. It should be improved for the music to stand out.

http://taknbystorm.com/

https://itunes.apple.com/us/artist/taknbystorm/id268132495?ign-mpt=uo%3D4

https://twitter.com/TAKNbySTORM

Selma - Lessons For Now

I don't know where I saw it, but I remember reading that the original script for Selma was much more focused on King. Part of DuVernay's contribution was broadening the focus.

It is important to do that. Martin Luther King Jr was gifted in oratory and inspiration, and more charismatic than most people, but he could not have done it alone. That is not taking anything away from King, just as the movie does not take anything away from President Johnson.

This is a story of many people. So you see Diane Nash. You may not realize how instrumental she was in the organization for the Selma Voting Rights Movement or know her history with the Freedom Rides, but at least you see her there.

Bayard Rustin is not the best known name from that time period; he was homosexual and that was at times considered to be a detrimental. The movie still shows that he was the one who had the connection to Harry Belafonte, and that is how you got a chartered plane full of celebrities to the final march.

There were many marchers, and many of them participated in organizing. Seeing Amelia Boynton beaten unconscious may lead you to her writing. Seeing Annie Lee Cooper (who had been a registered voter in Pennsylvania) be denied registration in Alabama may make the conflict more personal (and more satisfying when you see her punch the sheriff).

It is vital to see that there were people contributing of all races, genders, ages, and sexualities. It would be unfair to them, and poor gratitude, to diminish their achievements, but it is also important to remember that everyone has the ability to contribute now. That is an important lesson, but there are other lessons for those contributing now, or wishing to do so.

Activism is hard. It takes a toll. Sometimes it is a physical toll, involving tear gas and clubs and hopefully only bean bag bullets. It could just be aching feet. There is an emotional toll of abuse and exhaustion and being discouraged when nothing seems to change. Also, the emotional toll can take a physical toll.

You can take some tactical lessons from the movie. This is again where I will recommend Abernathy's And The Walls Came Tumbling Down, valuable not just for the warmth of his voice but for being written twenty years later and having the advantage of hindsight.

What I carried away was more the importance of interpersonal support. In one scene, King calls up Mahalia Jackson in the middle of the night because he needs to hear the voice of the Lord, and she sings for him.

What I saw in the movie is them needing each other. They feed each other and care for each other's children. They go on drives together to sort out their thoughts. They joke, and it may be gallows humor, but that can help too. And when there are fractures in their relationships, they need to address them.

"Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation, and that is an act of political warfare."  -- Audre Lorde

It is true. Eat, drink, and rest. That will still not be enough.

Do you have friends that you can call in the middle of the night? Find some. Find someone who will sing to you, or hug you, or tease you if that is the thing that you need, and do it back for them. The relationships will help you survive, and remember what you are fighting for.

It is all about people in the end.

Selma - Not Even Past

In the Oscar post I mentioned the excellence of the costume design. One aspect that I found interesting was the wardrobe worn by Common's character, James Bevel. He wore overalls, a denim jacket, and a skull cap while the other SCLC members were generally wearing suits. I eventually found this article by Tanisha C. Ford:

http://www.theroot.com/articles/culture/2015/01/_selma_costumes_reveal_class_and_consciousness_of_the_movement.html

One thing it points out is that normally the clothing of the SNCC members would be more similar to Bevel's. The movie did not show that to keep individuals more clearly identifiable, but it is worth noting that Bevel's activism got started with SNCC.

Before I found that article, I had gone to the messages boards for the movie at IMDB.com, because I thought other people might be discussing it. Someone may have posted about it, but it was pretty hard to find in all the racism.

I was not really surprised that trolls were tearing down the movie; that the majority of them posted multiple times, repetitively, to drown out productive discussion; or that the complaints about the movie started before the movie was released. Being a glutton for punishment, I still read some.

One of the recurring themes by one of the frequent posters was that it was just stirring up trouble now. These things are past and talking about them stirs up bad feelings. I wish it were past.

Thursday will be the 50th anniversary of Jimmie Lee Jackson's death. (He was beaten and shot on February 18th but lingered in the hospital for several days.) The Voting Rights Act itself was signed on August 6th, 1965. It is not even at the 50 year mark and it is already being dismantled:

http://www.thenation.com/blog/195281/honor-kings-legacy-protecting-voting-rights#

That's just one article. It's probably not alarming enough. Read more by Ari Berman. There is reason to be alarmed.

Police brutality is still a problem. I know, I keep quoting this from Spies of Mississippi:

"The Jackson Police Department operates with the best demonstration deterrent of any city in the country. In addition to Thompson's Tank, armor-plated and equipped with nine machine gun positions, the arsenal includes cage trucks for transporting masses of arrested violators, searchlight trucks, each of which can light three city blocks in case of night riots, police dog teams, trained to trail, search a building, or disperse a mob or crowd, mounted police for controlling parades or pedestrian traffic, and compounds and detention facilities to hold and house 10000 prisoners.

Along with these ironclad police facilities are new ironclad state laws, outlawing picketing, economic boycotting and demonstrating. Other laws to control the printing and distribution of certain types of information, and laws to dampen complaints to federal authorities."

Now, let's look at this article from less than a month ago:

http://www.vox.com/2015/1/29/7947721/nypd-protesters

Commissioner Bratton announced that the extra heavy protective gear, the long rifles, and the machine guns are "designed for dealing with events like our recent protests, or incidents like Mumbai or what just happened in Paris."

Bratton later walked back that protests against police brutality should be handled the same way as terrorist incidents, but his other quotes and track record make the original quote seem more reflective of his actual beliefs.

There may be less vigilante lynchings now, but there are more executions by cop:

http://www.npr.org/blogs/codeswitch/2015/02/12/385777366/a-black-mississippi-judges-breathtaking-speech-to-three-white-murderers?

http://regressing.deadspin.com/were-compiling-every-police-involved-shooting-in-americ-1624180387

And the anonymous academy voter was offended by "I Can't Breathe" T-shirts, and school counselors and police sergeants have said they will run over protesters, plus one protester was hit by a car and the driver was not cited.

http://kstp.com/article/stories/s3631519.shtml

No, this isn't old news. Talking about it may stir up bad feelings for some, but there are bad acts already happening. Dealing with that is necessary, and I believe the movie helps.

"The past is never dead. It's not even past."

Faulkner was from the South too.

Selma and LBJ

One of the saddest parts of the backlash to Selma was the number of articles that focused on defending President Lyndon B Johnson, as if he needed defending.

I am mainly thinking of Joseph A. Califano Jr. and Maureen Dowd in this, but I think there were a few others. It's nonsense.

The movie shows Johnson hesitating to push through legislation on voting rights because they had just gotten segregation and he wanted to work on poverty; he didn't think he could get voting rights through. Once the climate had changed with the television coverage of Bloody Sunday, and some of the other news that was coming through, Johnson moved forward and it passed.

The movie never indicates that Johnson was against voting rights - it's pretty clear that he wants it passed - but he is being a politician. That was Johnson's thing. Do you know what the third book in Robert A Caro's series on Johnson is called? Master Of The Senate. It's not sarcastic. The combination of Johnson's political savvy and skill and his commitment to progressive causes was really important. I remember a history teacher talking about Johnson waving Kennedy's bones at Congress, exploiting the circumstances of Kennedy's death, but he used it to accomplish good things. He was also willing to alienate the South, which was a big deal.

The Southern Christian Leadership Conference was not against fighting poverty. King was turning his attention to that before his death, and in spite of his death the Poor People's Campaign still happened. It is largely regarded as unsuccessful, but a lot of the goals were accomplished. Johnson prioritizing poverty does not make him a villain.

Director Ava DuVernay, in commenting on it, said she considered Johnson to be a hero. Now, he is a hero who thinks about maintaining order at the same time that he thinks about justice, but that has been true of every president and remains true today. That is one very valid reason why some people that we can imagine making excellent presidents might legitimately prefer to not be president.

He is also a president that kept J. Edgar Hoover employed. I had never thought about that before, but it occurred to me watching the movie that Hoover would have been very hard to remove. Luckily, we had a good friend over for dinner last night, and we were talking about this. She had a quote for me on that"

"It's probably better to have him inside the tent pissing out than outside the tent pissing in."

Point taken. Johnson didn't fire Hoover, but no one else did. He needed to die to get out of office, and that was serving under six presidents.

The other thing we talked about was Johnson's ambition. I tended to think of him as not ambitious enough, because if he had just been all out idealistic, we are going to go for what's right even if we fail, that could have meant not just pushing through more legislation without waiting for politically opportune moments, but also could have meant getting out of Vietnam instead of not wanting to be the first president to lose a war.

Cathy looked at it differently. His ambition was to have a strong legacy. (She got that from Doris Kearns Goodwin.) If you want to be remembered as a winner, then maybe you don't want to push legislation that is destined to fail, or withdraw troops.

The movie gives a hint of that when Johnson is meeting with George Wallace. Johnson is not only thinking about how he will be remembered (which Wallace does not care about), but Johnson is determined not to be lumped in with Wallace.

Selma has some unflattering portraits in there. In addition to Wallace and Hoover, there are Sheriff Jim Clark and Colonel Al Lingo. That covers some great performances in there from some actors I really like, but you do not come away liking these historical figures. That's not what is happening with Johnson. He is shown as flawed, but so is King.

I think part of the problem may be miscasting. Tom Wilkinson is a good actor, and he does okay, but his craggy face doesn't look very much like Johnson. If he had some of that Southern good ole' boy charm it probably wouldn't matter, but having neither the look nor the charm is a drawback. It's not a bad performance, but casting an Englishman is not always the right way to go.

I think the bigger problem, though, is a resistance to letting people of color be the heroes of their own movements. Some of it may be an adherence to the Great Man Theory, which I think is bunk anyway, and which Selma counters. There are many organizers shown, and many people who had been working with voter registration and education. To try and cast the march as Johnson's idea is an insult to them, and Johnson does not need it. The people who have a problem with that need to de-center.

We have seen many movies about Civil Rights, and Native Americans, and other cultures where somehow the protagonist has to be a white person. Mississippi Burning, Dances With Wolves, even Avatar going off-world has to fall into that trap. If you aren't comfortable watching people of other genders and races take center stage that is all the more reason you need to watch that type of content.

That breaks into a discussion for another day though. The message of today is that I am really fond of LBJ, and the movie Selma is not a problem for that.

Band Review: Ledisi

I have really enjoyed listening to Ledisi this week. She has a beautiful voice, but even more than that the delivery of the music is confident and joyful. That makes listening to her energizing.

I preferred The Truth (2014) and Pieces Of Me (2011) to her 2009 album, Turn Me Loose. I thought there might be some maturation going on and that I was responding to that. However, in 2008 she released It's Christmas, which is really fresh and well-done. It feels original, which often cannot be said about Christmas albums. So, I don't think any phase in her career can be discounted.

Special favorites of the tracks include "Pieces of Me", "I Blame You", and "Bravo".

Very much worth checking out.

http://www.ledisi.com/

https://www.facebook.com/ledisi

https://www.youtube.com/user/LedisiVEVO

https://twitter.com/ledisi

Band Review: Common

Writing about Selma this week, it felt very important to have the music reviews connect with that as well. That was possible because there were two musicians featured in the movie, Common and Ledisi.

After having praised "Glory" highly yesterday, and seeing a kind of nasty criticism of it today, that feels even more important. That makes it frustrating that I didn't like Common more.

My opinion should be taken with a grain of salt. Hip hop is not my favorite area and I am not as well-versed in it. In addition, Common has such a long catalog that while I have been able to listen to all 10 of his albums this week, I have only been able to listen to each one once.

My feeling from that listening is that he is not a great rapper. There is a somewhat elementary feel to his rhyming and delivery, where it is not very complex. Also, I thought I had read somewhere that he eschewed profanity or the N-word or something, and while there is not that hateful feeling to the language that I often find, the language is still largely traditional.

Based solely on his rapping, I would say he is serviceable but not compelling. That does not give the complete picture.

First of all, he does have one song that I love. It is a collaboration, but he does a lot of collaborations and he finds some pretty good artists to work with, who do choose to work with him. Often the songs are really more R&B than rap, with strong instrumental accompaniment.

Also, one of the tracks that touched me most was "Pop's Rap Part 2/Fatherhood" where his father, Lonnie Lynn, does essentially spoken word. There is musical accompaniment, but the important thing is the sentiment, and it comes through.

One perspective could be that maybe Common is better at acting and music and poetry than rapping itself. There is nothing wrong with that. It's good that he can do multiple things.

At the same time, I can't discount that he does fit in with the larger movement. I was listening in reverse order, and when I got to his 1992 debut, Can I Borrow A Dollar, okay, that sounds like 1992. Also, that so many people are willing to collaborate with him may indicate a regard for him that is shared by fans of the genre.

I probably won't be seeking out more of his music, but for fans of hip hop it probably makes sense to check him out.

And of course, everyone should listen to "Glory".

http://www.thinkcommon.com/

https://www.facebook.com/thinkcommon

https://www.youtube.com/user/CommonVEVO

https://twitter.com/common

Selma - The Academy Fails

It wasn't a total failure. The nomination for Best Picture is reasonable, and for Best Original Song.

"Glory" is a good song in its own right, but the way it blends elements of spirituals and hip hop together - which have been about comfort and self-expression but have also been an important part of resistance - is a most appropriate representation of this movie that is both historic and timely. It deserves praise and it deserves the nomination.

That being said, there are three glaring omissions.

Costume Design - Ruth E. Carter

The wardrobe represented the era well and looked fabulous. I know Selma wasn't the only period piece. I understand the nominations for The Grand Budapest Hotel and Mr. Turner, and for Anna B. Sheppard to make the title character's horns work in Maleficent gets her in there fairly. Inherent Vice doesn't have bad costumes, but I think Selma has better, and honestly the costumes for Into the Woods were not that special. There was nothing wrong with them, but Selma did better.

Best Actor - David Oyelowo

This is sort of a tricky one. The academy tends to recognize portrayals of real people, and four of the five nominees are for that - everyone but Michael Keaton in Birdman. All are apparently good performances. People who know say that Turing was not at all the way Cumberbatch portrayed him, but then if that was the script he was given and he did a good job with it, it's more like a regular fiction performance, I guess.

Regardless, Oyelowo did an amazing job with King. There wasn't really a physical resemblance between them, but the voice and mannerisms and the feeling was there, and that is not an easy role to pull off. Maybe it was close, and he nearly made it in, and with the competition it's not as glaring as the omission for Costume Design, but still, he should have been in there.

Best Director - Ava DuVernay

You knew this was coming.

Linklater and Iñárritu were going to be in there no matter what, I get that, but there was plenty of room for DuVernay in there, and she should have been in there.

I'm going to give my reasons for this, and some of these may be reasonably attributable to Paul Webb's screenplay, but my understanding is that the screenplay started in a very different form, and she spearheaded those changes, so I feel comfortable including them here.

One reason is the handling of the church bombing. It is a hard thing to see. It should be felt, but it is important to not be so overwhelming that the viewer can't get back into the film. I wrote Monday about how the scene fits into the scenes before, and that it is structured correctly; that could easily be Webb. In terms of deciding how to show it, that there will be the blast from the side, and that it is almost abstract, and then you are looking at the wreckage, and you see the dresses but not body parts, and it kind of looks like an oil painting. It is horrible but it is bearable, and that is exactly what it needs to be.

Another important scene is an informal meeting where the organizers are discussing the obstacles to voting, and it takes the form of a brainstorming session for what needs to be included in the Voting Rights Act. We have seen some of the obstacles in place when Oprah Winfrey's character, Annie Lee Cooper, tries to vote, but this scene needs to not only reinforce it, but fill in the blanks. That could easily be boring, but the way it is done makes sense, it gives you an idea of how to attack a problem, and there is a liveliness to it that comes from smart, determined people who like each other, but are passionate and can disagree, discussing it. Again, that could be at least partly Webb in terms of the writing, but for capturing the energy the actors and directors get at least some of the credit.

This leads to another point, in that DuVernay got some really good performances out of the actors. There were a lot of good performances, but I was especially impressed by Giovanni Ribisi and Cuba Gooding Jr, who often play more comic roles. DuVernay let them be human and dignified, and they could do it, but she let them. I respect that.

That is also giving credit to Aisha Coley's casting, and I will give credit to Bradford Young's cinematography too. The film looked great. Colors and lighting presented the images powerfully, the way they deserved. Film is all about the collaboration. Putting all of that together, the guiding hand over it all is Ava DuVernay, and for the movie to succeed on so many levels in so many ways is a huge achievement.

I have seen controversies over Best Picture nods not coming with Best Director nods more than once, and it isn't something I worry about a lot, but this one does seem glaring. I've seen the "brutally honest" anonymous explanation, but she also said there was no art (which was blatantly false) and criticized the politics while putting aside the politics of American Sniper in the same breath.

That source also had a strange fixation with Patricia Arquette's aging. Mainly that reminds me that you need to be honest with yourself before you can be honest with anyone else.

For me, the movie had a lot of images of old white men that were dinosaurs, and would have looked a lot like the people who make Best Director nominations. Maybe they didn't like that portrayal, but that's a lot of what makes them dinosaurs. The sooner their perceived relevance decreases to match their actual usefulness, the better.